Saturday, March 9, 2013

One More Day

It's coming. Every year, without fail, it shows up and the memories flood.


March 11, 1990. Wedding day. I was 20 years old. He was 29.  It was a happy day even though it was misty-raining. It was a Sunday, and the pastor of the church was marrying us in between Sunday morning and evening services. Just a small ceremony and quick reception in the church basement and off we went, full of future hope.

This year, on March 11th, I will go the store and pick out the prettiest single red rose I can find. I will take that little rose to a cemetery about 15-20 minutes outside of town. I will kiss its full bloom and place it on a headstone. I will sit down in front of that headstone and talk to the man with whom I spent half of my life. Twenty years together is a long time. I have so much to say, but never can seem to find all the words. I will feel the tears well in my eyes and likely, some will fall. I will feel the anger in my heart for the damage done. I will feel the guilt for all I failed to see and do. I will feel the loss of his presence, I will feel the sadness of his family, and all the images I try so hard to push back into the recesses of my mind will be in the forefront.

This is just one aspect of being a Suicide Widow.

My whole world changed that day. August 20, 2009.  That day, for a multitude of reasons that some I understand and some I never will, he took his own life after battling panic attacks and depression. He left behind many, many people who loved him dearly. His parents. His siblings. His cousins. His nieces and nephews. His friends. His wife. His in-laws. His children. We are all now "suicide survivors" grappling with what happened and why.

You may find yourself in the same position as me. Or maybe you know someone else who is. When someone you love and care about takes their own life, there are a myriad of emotions you go through and continue to experience.  Every now and then, I still find myself shocked at what has happened in my life. I still grapple with guilt for not recognizing the signs. I still have sad days. I still get angry with him. I have screamed, out loud, "I f*#&ing hate you for what you did!" just as recently as last week. And there are days when every little story about him out of my mouth is something funny or positive or sweet. Those are the days I am thankful. I am thankful for all the good years. All the good times. All the laughs and hugs and kisses and sweet little notes left here and there. It's on those days that I realize I am blessed for having had him in my life, for all he taught me and all he gave me. He was more than how he died. He was more than the depression he struggled with. He was more than the panic attacks he suffered from. I often don't want people to remember him for how he died. I want them to remember him for who he was. But I talk about how he died because I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm ashamed to say it. Mental illnesses are common and yet we still act like they are so taboo.  We have to stop the stigma associated with mental illnesses and suicide. How else can we effect change where it needs it most?

If you, like me, are a survivor of suicide, know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, there are many of us out here. You may benefit from joining a support group.  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has a link on their website for suicide support groups.  You can find that HERE.  I have a tight knit circle of friends, family and church family, and I found that their help and support was all I needed. Some do not have that luxury and if you are one of those, don't fret. There ARE people out there who care, who have been there and will help you through your loss.  There are also several Facebook pages dedicated to helping people just like you.

If you are someone who struggles with depression, panic attacks or thoughts of suicide, please know that you, too, are not alone out there and there ARE people who care and will help you through your dark days.  If you need help finding a psychologist or psychiatrist, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline's website may help.  You can find links HERE to help you locate survivor groups, therapists and mental health services.

I created this blog to (1) get things off my chest and (2) try to help people who struggle with the kind of mental illness my husband did.  I am now too late to help him, but maybe I'm not too late to help you. Whatever you are feeling, it's important to know that it's OKAY to feel that way. It's how you ACT on those feelings that make all the difference.

You may believe that your life doesn't matter or that people in your life would be happier if you weren't here dragging them down all the time. You may believe that nothing will ever change and your life will always be horrible and full of problems.  Maybe, once upon a time, you also believed in the Easter Bunny. Guess what? None of it is true. (even that Easter Bunny part). You DO matter. People DO care (sometimes even people who don't know you). Lives DO change for the better, even if not overnight. Take it one hour, one day at a time, and keep putting one foot in front of the other and fighting the good fight. You know why? Because you're worth it! 




Dale was more important than he realized. I tell him that every year on March 11th when I sit and talk to him. I ask him if he knows now how much he truly was loved, how much we all truly cared. I wish upon all wishes that I would hear his answer. About a week after the suicide, my little Peanut Butter (7 yrs. old) said, "I bet I know what Daddy's thinking." I answered her by saying, "Oh yea? What's that?" She said, "I wished I didn't do'd that." Not even beginning to contemplate the depth of her own statement, she had no idea how accurate she truly was. Did you know that regret is one of the most common feelings a person who has attempted suicide will experience? Don't let that regret come too late. Tomorrow is a new day. Give yourself  and this life you've been given another chance <3

30 comments:

  1. My prayers will be with you, especially on Monday.
    Your daughter's words...wow. Kids so often know and feel so much more than we expect.
    Completely unrelated, I think we had the same hat on our wedding days. :)

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  2. You are an inspiration... refusing to let this define you, refusing to be a victim. Instead, you are an advocate, a lifesaver. A hero. xoxo

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  3. This is moving...and close to home. I think you are amazing and I am thankful that at the darkest times when I thought about suicide I was able to find help. I didn't think about what I'd do to those left behind. Take care and hugs to you.

    Joy

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  4. I will be thinking about you Monday. We just celebrated the life of my cousin who would have been 33 years old on February 14. We were born exactly two weeks apart. He took his own life on his 23rd birthday 10 years ago. Thank you for what you do. No one should be ashamed of mental illness.

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    1. Hugs to you, Erica. I know that's a tough anniversary for you :\

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  5. Thank you for writing about such a difficult time. It makes me remember I am not alone. This too is an anniversary period. Next Saturday, my twin sister committed suicide 7 years ago. This loss and sorrow stays with my through our birthday late in April. Thank you for all you do for those who are in need (and the survivors left behind).

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  6. My prayers are with you! I also am a suicide survivor. Not my husband or boyfriend, but my best friend. I was angry for a long time. I didn't see the signs. I put it out of my mind for a long time. Finally, I faced it head on and wrote a letter to her, that she will never read. http://badwordmama.blogspot.com/2013/02/i-need-closure.html

    xoxo
    -Ellen

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    1. Sometimes, you just have to write it out :) Thanks for reading and commenting and sharing your story!

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  7. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your journey.

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  8. Thank you so much for writing this post. It hits close to home and gives me more hope.

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  9. I have been wracked with guilt over the suicide of a friend for 20 years. For years I tried to tell myself it wasn't my fault but I don't really believe it. It wasn't my fault but I know I could have prevented it.

    My friend had turned to drugs and several times he cadged money off me then just spent it on more drugs. It was at the point where I tried to avoid him. I bumped into him one day and he asked me for money. I refused. The next day he was found at the bottom of a cliff.

    Many adverse things happened in my life and I wrote about them as you have. The thing I found was I often wrote with tears in my eyes but I also wrote with joy in my heart for experiences I shared. The writing was like a release and it enabled me to put a lot of stuff behind me and move on.

    I hope you find the same peace.

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  10. I am so sorry for your tragic loss you and your family have suffered. This is such a beautifully written and important piece; thank you for your bravery in sharing it. I have a friend whose husband took his life. I'm going to share this with her. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you will find peace in your life. xxx

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  11. Plucky. I love you. I love the awareness you spread and the open and honest storytelling. Noone should have to face suicide but your willingness to share your story is inspiring people. Thank you for all that you share and all that you do.

    Also, I know it really isn't appropriate for this post - I really want you to know that I love you so much I nominated you for a Liebster. If you'd like, check out the post below for more info. xoxo


    http://camomsworld.blogspot.com/2013/03/a-liebsterfor-me-you-shouldnt-have.html

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  12. I'm sorry I'm just reading this now... It's been a hell of a week. From one survivor to another, hugs... I'll never understand the pain as a wife - but know it as a daughter & sister. Love you to bits & sending you hugs of understanding. xxooxxooxxoo

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  13. I truly thank you for sharing your story. You never know who it will help along the way :)

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  14. My heart hurts so much after reading this. There aren't any adequate words to express how sorry I am. One of my friend's just lost the father of her only child (7 years old) to Suicide. Heartbreaking. You shared such depth of emotion in this post and it was so beautifully written. I have tears streaming down my face and I will be praying for you and your family. I am truly grateful for you sharing because I really do believe that it will help others and could save a life and possibly an entire family from suffering loss and devastation. xoxo

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    1. Beautifully written and heartbreaking story that touches very close to home.
      Thank you for being brave enough to share it. I'm sure it will mean alot to so many. Suicide unfortunately is still a tabboo subject, even in this day and age. I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you~anniversaries are so very difficult I know. xxoo
      ~Michelle Lee Gagnon

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  15. Oh I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I had tears in my eyes reading your daughter's words. Kids are so much more perceptive than we think. My heart goes out to you.

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