Wednesday, November 28, 2012

There's Really No Comparison

"Comparison is the thief of joy." ~ Theodore Roosevelt

I believe that statement.  Whenever you compare two things, one of them will surely suffer.

If you compare what you have in relation to what someone else may have, you may begin to feel as though you don't have "enough" because they have more than you. The nice house, the nice car, the fancy clothes, the cleaning service, vacations, the weekly massage appointments or manicures are all things someone else may be able to do without hesitation but you have to budget and plan for two months to get a manicure wedged in let alone an eyebrow wax or a good haircut at a reputable salon. You may begin to feel slighted by life, by fate, and so begins the unhappiness that results from comparing what you have to what someone else has.


We don't often recognize and appreciate what we do have because we are so busy comparing it to what others have. "When you stop comparing what is right here and now with what you wish were, you can begin to enjoy what is."  (~ Cheri Huber)  I've heard reports of people who routinely use social media being more prone to depression because they consistently compare themselves to the personas that others put out there, to their own detriment.  If you simply can't control comparing yourself or your lot in life to someone else's, at least let that comparison be one to inspire you as opposed to tearing you down and making you feel bad about yourself.  Let it inspire you to make positive change in your life or use it to focus on something that is already positive about your life. When you find yourself tempted to compare your life with another's, stop yourself. Count your blessings. Name them, specifically. Change your thought pattern to one of thankfulness instead of envy or despair. Newsflash:  It's OK to not be perfect. It really is.

We also take this comparison problem into our relationships way too often.  I mean, let's face it, most of us have been in several relationships before we were in our current relationship.  How often are you guilty of comparing your current significant other to a former one?  How often do you wish you could take every little thing that you loved about each of them and just make one awesome person to love for the rest of your life? Ahhh but no. We have to let each person, each mate, stand on their own, and we must find what we love about them without comparing them to others. We can't build them up by saying, "Well, at least they are not like so-and-so..." because that is just settling for something you probably wish were different.  We also can't tear them down by saying, "I wish you were like so-and-so ..." because that means, again, you wish they were someone they aren't. Either way, our partner suffers from being compared to someone else.

In my own personal experience and in my current situation, I have a husband who has to live with a ghost, so to speak.  I believe there are several who consistently compare him to my late husband only to attempt to illustrate that he's not as good as my late husband. I could be totally wrong about that, but I believe it has happened and probably still happens. When you have someone who has passed away tragically, all their good qualities are the only thing people want to remember. And when you have someone who steps into that person's "place," they will inevitably be compared and usually will suffer because of it. There are times when my husband fights an uphill battle to be recognized for his own good qualities, to have his true intentions and feelings not questioned but seen clearly, and not to be liked or disliked because of how he compares to my first husband.  In a divorce situation, most people consider the fact that your new spouse is nothing like your old spouse as a good thing, but in my situation, that doesn't seem to always be the case.  The negative feelings that result in him because of this comparison really tick me off because he's such a good person all on his own and deserves to be judged or appreciated for who he is and not who someone else was or is perceived to have been.

Which just leads me to assumptions. Don't assume someone has it better than you just because they have nice stuff.  They could be swimming in debt while you live debt-free. Don't assume someone has it worse than you just because they drive a crappy car. They could have mucho bucks saved up and are just disciplined enough to not waste it on something they don't need yet. Do much less worrying about what other people have or don't have and start paying more attention to yourself and what kind of life you live. Focus on your own individual strengths and not your weaknesses.  If you can't identify and focus on your own strengths, then what is it about yourself you are proud of? What do you believe your true value is if you always base that value on what someone else has?

"To love is to stop comparing." ~ Bernard Grasset

21 comments:

  1. Love it.
    I'm often guilty of comparing my life to others. Sometimes, I realize that I actually have a good life, other times I find I'm envious of people. I CAN say that, since being introduced to social media, my depression yo-yo's or I start longing for something I'm not sure I am good for, etc, etc.
    But I also learn more about myself than I did....so I guess that's a plus, right?

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  2. I think so, yes, and that's what I meant about using comparison to be a positive force and not a negative one. If you compare yourself and then don't like what you see, make the change you want to see, y'know?

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  3. YOU..... dang woman, you have no idea how much this means to me... I want everyone to know how important you are too me, how much I love you, how much I appreciate You... sigh..

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  4. I am so guilty of this... hence my epic amounts of anxiety.
    It would be so nice to flip this off like a light switch... but I imagine it will take a bit of reprogramming....
    right now... there's wine... here have some ;)

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  5. What a difficult position for your husband. And for you.

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    1. It really is. I mean, on one hand, I totally understand it. But on the other, it's so unfair to Rich. He should be appreciated for everything that he IS as opposed to being judged for what he's NOT. We'll endure, though ;)

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  6. very wise words and its something I have to tell myself quite often :)

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  7. This is awesome my dear. Being a woman who has been both divorced and widowed I can understand.

    I also married men who had an ex wife. I hated being compared to the goddess, and he hated having to outrun the legend.

    That is why I have the tattoo I have. It's Ron and I in double linking hearts. It is my simple statement to all future men. You won't play second fiddle to my lead singer, so stay off my tour bus..

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    1. hahaha i love it! Rich has been totally supportive of the memorial tattoos I have gotten to honor Dale. He has a special place in my heart and always will, and there's no use trying to fight that. I can love Rich for who he is and not have that interfere with the love I felt for Dale. I'm complex like that ;) lol

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  8. Wonderful post! Sometimes comparison is very obvious, but sometimes it sneaks up on me and I find myself doing it despite my best efforts. *Sigh*. I'm going to keep repeating that last quote, "To love is to stop comparing". - Laura

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  9. I think I truly go in spurts when it comes to this and those spurts are most definitely linked to my mental health. Not sure if it's a chicken or egg thing, tho. One thing I know I DON'T do, is compare past relationships to my husband. I didn't even realize that I don't do that until reading this and asking myself! But I don't.
    When I'm in a funk (or maybe it's what creates it), I do start to compare myself in the department of physical attributes and opportunities (for lack of a better word). I don't ever compare "stuff" because I've been dirt poor, I've been well off and I'm fully aware that having things can be cyclical. Just because someone has a huge nice house doesn't mean they always will. Just because someone lives in a one room apartment doesn't mean they always will.
    My biggest hurdle in this issues, is comparing myself to myself. Like my weight now vs a year ago, my looks now vs a year ago, my comfort level with my own accomplishments (or lack there of) vs a year ago. Comparing myself to my former self is one that I just can't seem to concretely shake. Some days are better than others and I try not to live in the past. But sometimes it's just so dang hard!!! Thanks for this post. It's a good reminder to us all.

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    1. And y'know I think that's when we have to compare in order to make positive changes and not be negative about ourselves. If we don't like something about ourselves when we compare it a year later, then use it to motivate you to make a positive change. Not all comparisons have to be bad, but you can certainly MAKE them bad if you let your mind go there. That's so cool that you are able to keep past relationships in the past and not compare. Not a lot of people can do that!

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    2. Jesi-loo, I do this all the time as well. All the time. Like, I did it this morning when I went to the gym. And again when I put my face on. And I'll probably do it 100 more times today. I try to remind myself that there will be a day that I will compare myself to the me I am today and wish I had this time back. It helps. Mostly. :)

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    3. That's definitely a great way to look at it, Fire. And yes, Dina. I definitely can make them bad. LOL It doesn't help that I've not been so great at taking care of my aesthetic physical health since baby boy was born...and even more so since Halloween Candy came around. But today I got the test results back from my blood work and even though I'm STILL low in b-12, I had to pat myself on the back for my cholesterol and triglycerides. It makes me happy that even though I may not look like I want 100% of the time on the outside, my insides are doing pretty good. And that's what really counts.

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  10. Nailed it, as usual. It took me thirty years to start being thankful and stop looking at others and comparing them to me. I am a much better friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, and human because of it. It's exhausting to constantly compare my life to what I think other's lives are. Thanks for sharing your brain!

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    1. It IS exhausting, and even though it took you 30 years, I'm glad you're figuring it out! We are all prone to doing it, though. Every day. I have to catch myself all the time and just stop.

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  11. New follower..found you via Momspirational. What a great post...I'm very guilty of doing this recently. I feel like my dreams are so far out of reach at times and I look at others who have certain things and just don't understand why it's so 'easy' for some and yet my dreams aren't getting any closer. I need to work on this for certain!
    ~Ashley
    Momma on a Mission

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