"It's Okay to Throw it Away"

"It's Okay to Throw it Away" became my motto roughly 3 years ago.  My late husband, bless his heart, had a hard time throwing things away. There was always an excuse ... "If we just clean it up, someone could use it." "We could sell it." "It's not broken." "I wasn't sure if you would want to keep it."  The long, slow process of now cleaning through 20 years of accumulated junk has been no picnic. Thankfully, Richard has no emotional attachment to these things and is able to just toss things that clearly don't need to be kept. I also can cut ties and let things go. I just procrastinate. I really don't want to do it so I put it off until it can't be put off any longer.

Today, I had to clean out my dead refrigerator to prepare for the new one to arrive.  I was throwing away all the expired stuff and things we just didn't need.  All of the sudden, I found in my hand a small bottle of J. Roget Spumante (I know ... nothing but the best, right? ;)). It was actually dusty, even though it had been in the refrigerator. That little bottle has actually been in every refrigerator I've owned since 1990.  It was a small gift from one of Dale's brothers when we got married.  My hand lingered between the fridge and the trash can. Should I throw it away? Why should I keep it? It's not like he's here to open it with. Maybe I should keep it. I've had it forever. It means something. What? What does it really mean? It's just a reminder of what was lost. It's a reminder of what was once a good memory. Don't get me wrong, my wedding to him is still a "good" memory. But like that song says, "Now every memory is haunted." All the good memories inevitably lead me to the One Big Bad One. Even though I know I can't wipe out every memory, I also know that I don't need to hold on to material things in order to remember. "It's Okay to Throw it Away."  So out it went. Throwing it away doesn't mean it never happened. Throwing it away doesn't mean I didn't care. It just means that I'm okay with the memory living in my heart and not in my hand.

Namaste.

I Won't Give Up

I wrote this on the first Father's Day after Dale died. Re-reading it now brings tears to my eyes because I remember how it felt to write it the first time and also because I can see how far I have come since then.  If you are going through a rough time, a horrible time, keep on going and don't give up.  If I can do it, so can you!  "I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily. I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make." (Jason Mraz ~ "I Won't Give Up")

I was nervous about going to church today, knowing that fathers would be recognized and that the message would be, if not centered on, at least a primary subject of discussion. Brother Byron's message was hard for me to hear today. It was quite biblical, nothing wrong with it whatsoever, but the feelings it raised in me as I listened were difficult to experience. I listened as he talked about the father's role in the household both as husband and father; the importance of that role in the fabric of society; the decline of society as that role has been pushed aside as irrelevant or altogether abdicated by the father; and the original meaning or root of origin of the word "husband" as basically being the band that holds the family together. I couldn't help but continue to think over and over again about how my kids don't have that now. I become frightened about how it is I am to repair that which they have lost ... not replace, repair ... How am I now to fill both of those roles and not let them get lost in the process? Not let them be part of the statistics of kids gone awry because they have no father in the home? It was hard to hear Bro. Byron talk about those fathers who have abdicated and left that role on purpose. It brings up those mixed feelings because on one hand, there are strong feelings of anger in believing that Dale left us all ... and on the other hand, strong feelings of sorrow over the extreme sadness and anxiety he had experienced that i just didn't see in time. I don't want to think that he left us, that he abdicated his role as father, as head of this house because I know in my heart how much he loved this family ... But is it easier to feel the sorrow? No, it's much easier to be angry. The sadness is too hard ... too reflective ... too much to bear sometimes. But anger hardens the heart and also becomes difficult to bear after time and an angry person is not who I want to be.

So what do I do? What do I think? How am I supposed to feel? Everything is swirling around ... These are the moments when I have to stop ... just STOP. Stop thinking. Take a deep breath. Close my eyes. "See" God. Remember who He is and what I know about Him. He is the author and finisher of my faith. He is my redeemer. He is my prince of peace. He is my best friend. He is Alpha and Omega, beginning and the end. He is my rock, my fortress, my strong tower. He. Loves. Me. Enough. to. Die. for. Me. He is worthy of my trust. He is worthy of my faith. He is worthy of my love. He will take these broken pieces and will make them whole again. He will show me, if I let Him, the path I am to take. He will give me the words when I cannot find them. He will give me the strength when I do not have my own. He will give me wisdom and discernment when I am unable to make the right choices on my own. He will equip me to do that which He has called me to do. He will carry me when I am unable to carry myself. He will do all the same things for my children. He is Love. He will do all that He has promised to do. He cannot lie. No one can snatch me from His hands. He works in all things. He understands. He knows. He saves. His mercies are new each day. 

SIGH. Peace settles in. Trust takes over. "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5) I will set aside questioning what I can find no answers to ... I will stop worrying about things which I have no control over ... I will practice the Serenity Prayer: 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.

I trust Him to direct my path so long as I seek His face and acknowledge Him in all my ways.

"Not a burden we bear, 
not a sorrow we share, 
but our toil he doth richly repay; 
not a grief or a loss, 
not a frown or a cross, 
but is blest if we trust and obey. 
Trust and obey for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey." ("Trust and Obey")

Today is Father's Day. I am ashamed that up until this last hour or two, I have not thought of my Heavenly Father much today as I have been too distracted and bogged down with what is missing instead of what is here. Forgive me, Father, for losing sight of You today. Thank you, Father, for allowing me to see You as I looked inside myself. Your Spirit is amazing, and I thank You for that gift. I. Love. You. 

The Good Days

This weekend my Jelly and I were talking, and he mentioned that his school’s homecoming week theme is “The 80's.”  Innnnteresting, I thought, since I am a product of that long-ago generation. How is it that I have lived long enough to see fashion repeat itself and for the music I grew up with to become “cool” to a new generation?  I know I haven’t aged any since high school like all the rest of my friends have. Hahahaha. Ok, ok. Anyway, he was complaining, incessantly, about how the majority of the class chose “ET” as the theme for their parade float.  Complaining, why, you ask? Because they obviously should have chosen Star Wars!!! Oh. Ok. Right. Sometimes I forget that my Jelly is a band geek. As he went on about how Star Wars was clearly the more appropriate choice, I started to think about other 80's movies. And then it struck me: we had GREAT movies to go see in the 80's. I started running through my mental checklist of movies I’ve seen that I would watch over and over again. So, so many of them are from the 80's. I whipped out my Google search engine and trolled through various lists and made my own List of Favorite Re-Watchable Awesome 80's Movies.  I hope you like this list and add to it :) Here goes ... 80's movies I loved:

9 to 5
Airplane ("And don't call me Shirley!")
Private Benjamin ("I think they sent me to the wrong place.")
Caddyshack
Raiders of the Lost Ark (really, ALL Indy movies could go here)
On Golden Pond ("You old poop!")
Arthur ("Thank you for a memorable afternoon. One must usually go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.")
Stripes ("Where have you been soldier?!" "Training, sir." "What kind of training?" "Arrrrmyy training, Sir!")
E.T. (My favorite part is when ET drinks the beer out of the fridge while Eliot is at school, and Eliot gets drunk from it and then lets all the frogs go before they can be dissected.)
Tootsie
An Officer & A Gentleman ("You can kick me outta here, but I ain't quittin'!"
First Blood (the first and best of the Rambo movies - "They drew first blood.")
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Flashdance (I SO wanted to be her!)
Trading Places
War Games ("Do you want to play a game?")
Risky Business
Karate Kid
Footloose
Splash
Purple Rain
Amadeus (not to mention the Falco song which followed, “Rock me Amadeus”)
Back to the Future
Rocky (Add Rocky 2, Rocky 3, Rocky 4, skip Rocky 5)
Witness
The Goonies
Mask (probably my favorite Cher movie, actually)
Top Gun
Stand by Me
Peggy Sue Got Married (not a real popular movie, but a great concept ... going back in time knowing then what you know now. Would you make the same choices?)
The Money Pit (omigosh I practically pee my pants laughing at Tom Hanks in this movie..)
Good Morning, Vietnam
Moonstruck ("SNAP OUT OF IT!")
Lethal Weapon (the first was the best!)
Dirty Dancing ("Nobody puts Baby in a corner!")
Full Metal Jacket ("The dead know only one thing. It is better to be alive.")
Wall Street ("Greed is good.")
Roxanne (Steve Martin in a romantic comedy. Very “B” movie but it was sweet. I’m such a sap!)
Spaceballs ("I bet she gives great helmet.")
The Princess Bride ("Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.")
Rain Man ("K-Mart sucks!")
Big
Cocktail
The Naked Gun
Beaches (Again, I’m a sap, really.)
Nightmare on Elm Street (the first and best one of all of them)
Stand and Deliver (made me appreciate dedicated teachers)
Little Mermaid (I could list 100 Disney movies, but this is probably my favorite)
Parenthood (I laughed. I cried. I wanted to have a baby.)
Dead Poet’s Society (My favorite Robin Williams movie)
When Harry Met Sally (..on the side..)
War of the Roses
Steel Magnolias (“I’d rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”)
Turner & Hooch (I laughed. I cried. I hugged my dogs.)
Major League (Wild Thing. You make my heart sing.)

Now, these belong in a category all on their own...John Hughes movies (I’m not putting lines here only because there are too many from these movies that I like):

Pretty in Pink
Mr. Mom
National Lampoon’s Vacation
Sixteen Candles
National Lampoon’s European Vacation
Weird Science
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Planes, Trains and Automobiles (oh John Candy ... I miss you!)
She’s Having a Baby
The Great Outdoors
Uncle Buck
The Breakfast Club

Now I just want to spend my Monday in front of the TV!!  What are YOUR favorite 80's movies?

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Carrying Memories

"It is proof that through the prism of a broken heart, how the living carry the memory of those who have gone — and how that, in some small way, keeps these lost loved ones walking among us." Bob Dylan

I saw this quote this morning and it helped to put some feelings I've had into words. Good ol' Dylan. 

We DO carry around the memory of those who have gone and keep them living within us.  I know that for me, Dale lives in me. I hear his words; I see his face; I remember.  I've even sort of adopted some of his traits since he passed. He was always the early to bed, early to rise type of person, and I was the night owl. Now it's hard to get me to stay awake past 10 o'clock! He liked egg rolls. I never did. Now I eat one every time I have Chinese food. It's little things like that.  I took Jelly and Peanut Butter out to eat not long ago, and Peanut Butter likes to steal food off of her brother's plate. It drives him nuts. I smiled and thought of how Dale used to tell the story of how his little sister used to always steal food off of his plate and it drove him nuts. I laugh a little and shake my head because I see him chuckling and telling that story once again. I feel compelled to tell it for him because he's not here to share those memories with his kids anymore.  I'm so afraid I'm going to forget things he told me. I'll forget the stories he shared with me. I want the kids to know who he was in his life, not just how that life ended.  I want them to know what he liked to do, the music he liked to listen to, his interests, the things that he did to relax, the stories from his own childhood that I can never share.  I try not to be afraid of the memories or try to stop them from coming. Even though there is joy in carrying him with me, it comes at a price because there is always pain with it too. That sweet sorrow when you realize what will be missing from the lives of those who loved him, and especially for my kids who didn't have the time to get to know him well enough.  It's up to all of us who knew him to make sure that Dale's memory doesn't fade and that it continues to walk among us. 

Whose memory do you carry? 

Never Forget

Today is September 11th.  I can remember this same day back in 2001 clearly.  I had dropped off Peanut Butter to school and was taking Jelly to his grandparent's house / daycare.  I was just a few months pregnant with Peanut Butter and had barely even started to show yet. I heard a news report on the radio that stated a plane had flown into one of the twin towers. It seemed just like one of those freak accidents. I was startled, but it was also clear there was not a lot more information yet.  It wasn't clear it was a terrorist attack on our country.

Dropped off Jelly and then made it to the office about 10 minutes later.  Someone had the TV on in the conference room, so we were congregating there.  I watched it all unfold. I sat in horror watching the plane hit the second tower; and then both towers collapse. It was too unbelievable for words, really.  The shock was stunning. I remember thinking that all I wanted to do was go pick up my kids and take them home, keep them safe, which is exactly what I ended up doing. I wondered what type of world I was bringing kids into. Who does this kind of stuff? What the hell is wrong with people?

Since that day, I have seen my country's pride swell. I have seen my fellow Americans really step up where it counted.  I have seen us all give new appreciation to our first responders.  What the terrorists tried to stop and destroy, they only strengthened within us.

I didn't know anyone on any of the downed flights.  I didn't know anyone who worked in the WTC or even lived in New York. I've never even been to New York. But on Sept. 11, every American is a New Yorker. I'm proud of us and will always be grateful to live in this nation. It may not be perfect; it may even be far from it, but I would rather live here than anywhere else. It truly IS the land of the free, the home of the brave.