Thursday, October 25, 2012

Make it Work!

My memory fails me. A lot. While puttering around on the Book of Face, I saw a post that said, "Stay at home mom vs. working mom, which is more difficult?"  Now, for the life of me when I want to find it again, I can't find it anywhere. I think I could anticipate some of the responses, but I sure was hoping to actually view them to see if there were any surprises or little golden nuggets of wisdom in there.



See, because I'm a mom. I work full-time and always have worked full-time.  I have lived this struggle of stay-at-home-mom vs. working-mom scenario.  I'm one of those people who actually enjoy working away from the home. I need adult interaction. Adult conversation. I need to feel as though I am contributing my skills to the world, even if those skills are merely typing and organization.

When I was 23 years old, I had my first baby.  I was given six weeks of paid leave from my job.  It sounded like a long time back then, but six weeks goes by super fast.  About a week before I was due to return to work, I remember cradling my tiny little baby girl in my arms, wracking my brain trying to come up with a way I could stay home with her.  I would cry and apologize and pray and pray to see a way.  There was just no way we could afford it. I had to work. I'm sure I came up with every single hair-brained idea of how to make money at home or how to work from home. I truly did not want to leave her. I did not want her big brown eyes staring up at anyone but me.

It could have been so much worse, really. I was lucky in that Dale's mother had always provided daycare services in her home.  She was a licensed day care provider and was the baby's grandmother.  The baby would be with other kids all day and would be watched, cared for and loved by her grandma.  We were paying her a fraction of what it would have cost us to take the baby anywhere else.  I knew she would be safe. I knew I didn't have to worry about her while I was at work.

But turning that little baby over to someone else to care for her and to create memories with her, and to trust that her every need and want was being provided for was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I was so afraid that she would just forget me while I was gone. Or worse, that she would cry when I picked her up at the end of the day, not wanting to go home with me but wanting to stay with grandma instead. Slowly we fell into our routine and even though I thought about her all through the day, I knew she was just fine. There were definitely times of feeling guilty when I couldn't be with her. There were days when she just wanted her mommy, and I couldn't just drop everything.  As a working mom, you may not always have the luxury of flexibility with your schedule. That's just the way it is sometimes.

Over the years and a couple more kids later, I can say that everything has gotten easier.  The kids have gotten older and don't need daycare. We are thisclose to being out of babysitter age range too.  Not that I've ever had to hire a sitter.  Family and friends have always kept my kids whenever I needed them to.  Plus since I have been with the same employer ever since I had my first baby (20 years now), my schedule has grown more flexible, my vacation time has increased, and the job is not quite as demanding on my time. I can make it to those class parties. I can make it to early outs, parent breakfasts or awards assemblies. I can just take a day off in the summer and take everyone swimming if I want to.

There have been days, though, where I am certain I would not have made a very good stay-at-home mom.  I just don't have the patience or the energy for it day in and day out.  I give a lot of mad props to SAHM's and even more mad props to home-schooling moms. I think they do an amazing thing!  And I truly don't understand how they (and day care providers) are not certifiably insane at the end of every single day!

I think being able to get out of the house and do my own thing actually makes me a better mother when I come home to them.  I am more excited to see them. I want to hear about their day. True, some days you've worked so hard that all you want to do is fall on the bed and pass out for a couple of days when you get home, but you still appreciate those times that you do get to be home with everyone.  Yes there are nights when we have frozen pizza for dinner or I tell everyone they are on their own. Fix whatever they want. I'm too tired to cook. But I don't think I'm working any harder than the ones staying home every day with their kids. I imagine that there are nights when SAHM's are too tired to cook, too.

I guess my point is that whatever works for you, whether it's being a SAHM or a working mom, just do it. Give it your all and make the best out of whatever your situation is.  Either way you go, there are difficulties. In every situation, there's something unique to consider that may make it different for you than it is for anyone else. If you choose to stay at home with the kids, then don't let anyone make you feel like you don't work or that you have it easy. Be sure to take some time out just for you every now and then. If you choose to work, then don't let anyone make you feel guilty or as though you are choosing money over your children. Maximize the time you do have with the kids. Take heart in your decision and make it work ... for you. A happy mom means happy kids, and I believe that's all that really matters in the big picture.




11 comments:

  1. I love this post. It's so very honest. I've been both a SAHM and a WM. Here's the deal. I liked working part time when I was a Mom.. it gave me a break from the work.

    My issue with the total issue is the terms WORKING MOM vs STAY AT HOME MOM. The world seems to imply that Stay at home Mom's don't work. WE ALL KNOW IT'S WORK..

    I remember the first time , almost 33 years ago, I left Major at the full time sitter for the first time. I cried all day at work. I was very lucky, I found a family that loved her like their own and shared every memory with me in pictures. I still treasure those pictures.

    I also am very proud to say, my child never left for school from an empty house, nor did she ever come home to one. I worked a lot of night shifts, but I swore she would never come home to an empty house..

    Then, she turned 13, I'd met Cletus.. and well.. I turned her over to him until she turned 21. cause frankly.. teenage girls scare the crap out of me.. lol

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    1. I've always thought working part-time would be the ideal situation for me. Actually, being wealthy would be the ideal situation, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon! :)

      So that was really great of your sitter to take pictures of Major and share them with you! I love it when sitters understand how hard it is for us to leave our babies.

      I can say, too, that my kids have never left from or come home to an empty house. But I can understand how it happens and that in some situations, there's just no other option.

      As far as the teenage girls go, my eldest was a breeze. However, my 10-year-going-on-21-year old youngest I am betting will turn the rest of my hair gray! Lord help me now.

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  2. What a thoughtful post! I love your final thought, "A happy mom means happy kids. That's so true. Visiting your blog for the first time! ~ Susan www.solesearchingmamma.com

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    1. Thank you Susan. You know what they say, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." ;)

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  3. What a blessing to have a grandparent who is a daycare provider! I've stayed home from the beginning, but each time my youngest hits 3, people start offering me jobs. (I was a teacher before kids.) I am teaching at my children's preschool for a second go-round, as I left the first time when I had our unexpected fifth child. And here I am, back at it. I told the owner that I would only work 1 morning a week, and good gravy, does that jack up my day. It has set in me more than ever that a full-time job is not in my future once everyone goes to school. I will do part time things, like sub, but that's as far as it's going. I think about moms who have outside jobs, and I wonder, "When do they do this? When do they have time to do that?" I have a hard enough time getting everything done around here. I can't imagine doing it all with a job as well.

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    1. It truly was a blessing to have her there to watch all of our kids until they started school. My youngest was seven when she finally retired. Your situation is one of those that I think is a great example of why you just have to do what works best for you in your own situation. We are all naturally inclined and just need to figure out what that is.

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  4. I'm a working mom as well. I was VERY fortunate when I had my son that my boss, whom I worked for many years with - made every concession in the world so that I could have my son at work with me. Seriously - built a sound proof room & everything. I was also very lucky to be able to stay home for the first 5 years with my daughter BUT I always craved work & did work from home to keep my brain active. I need to work, I like to work & I like to know I am contributing. I think it's also good for the girls to see that it's OK to do a little for yourself. :) Great post!

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    1. I would have loved to have been able to take my babies to work! We tried to talk him into starting a daycare there for a while. I'm like you and just need to work and want my kids to know girls can have an opportunity to do what they want to do when they grow up.

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  5. I may or may not have this figured out. I will make one attempt to comment with my google account. Three days.. THREE DAYS child.. I've worked on this..

    One time it let's me comment, next time.. it sends me to my wordpress account.. but I do think I have it fixed.. please excuse this test,, random .. comment..

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  6. I've been both a working mom and a stay at home mom. Sometimes I miss working, but then I realize just how much I missed in my twins' life, because I HAD to work.
    It's a struggle, especially now, because when I was working, it was because I had to. I've been home for 4 years now and I feel like I've lost myself a little bit. I don't know what I want to do.
    The best thing, other than getting to spend a lot of time with my daughter and seeing what I missed with the twins, is getting to blog and "meet" awesome bloggers like you!

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    1. It sounds like you're sort of in an "in-between" stage. I bet you're facing a change soon :)

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